February 15, 2010

Belated Heart Day

I know Valentine's day was yesterday but I had things I was going to post and my mind was elsewhere that day. For about 4 days, until yesterday, it was "Tell her she's beautiful". If you are a friend on Facebook I did an announcement saying "To all my lovely ladies on here, you are beautiful." I also wrote this up real quick and I hope to sneak it into a bathroom some where and leave it for the next woman to find.

I put together an outfit on Polyvore of what I would have worn had it not been below 30F. It's simple and cute but still has a feminine touch. I ended up wearing a red tank, purple sweater, and skinny jeans. I've realized that I wear red and purple together a lot lately.

I also realized something else the other day, I sometimes have panic attacks. Not an extreme feeling like i'm having a heart attack, like I had that one time. But the kind where you feel trapped and you start to get an adrenalin rush, you feel scared, but I also felt repulsed. This usually only happens or so far only happened at stores (I.e. Wal-mart & a dollar store). I hate the feeling of being surrounded (Why do I want to go to a concert?). I hate people who don't realize they are being rude and standing to close to me or taking up a whole isle. Does this happen every time? No, there is a connection with it and my menstrual cycle. I get very emotional on mine, crying for no reason. But I need to get a hold of it because I feel like I can't go out when I'm on it or about to.

Oh I also have another problem, It's called FEAR! My boyfriend and I got into a slight disagreement the other day about this certain fear I have. Dogs. That art work pretty much sums up my fear. For those who don't know I was almost attacked by a dog a couple summers ago. I was alone, so close to my car but so far away, screaming for help but not getting any (plus the only person who could help me literally looked at me and drove away, who leaves someone to get attacked by a dog?). I was lucky the dog didn't jump, It was a huge dog and would have taken me down easily. I was scared, I cried when I got home, shaking. But I didn't realized how much it had scared me till about a month later. I was in my sewing room and I guess my step dad was going between the house and the garage, he left the garage door open. I walked down the stairs and I saw the dog starring at me. I ran down the steps and slammed the door in its face. Then broke down again.

Here is what we had a disagreement about. My boyfriend has two small adult dogs, they barely come to the middle of my lower leg. But Todo, he has some kind of stress disorder from when he was beaten as a puppy (my boyfriend didn't beat the dog, they got it from someone who had rescued it). Todo will bite you, mainly your ankles since he's short but he has bite me before. I have to get my boyfriend or one of his brothers to walk me to his room because if not the dog will try to bite me. The BF walked away the other day and left room for the dog to come in between us. He told me it's okay he won't bite look his tails wagging (I've petted him before to let him know it was me and then when I started walking he bit me) but I couldn't move I kept saying jodi come here, he wouldn't come and he said it "Steph you have a fear of dogs" YES I KNOW PLEASE COME HERE" the dog was really close to my legs by now and his family was watching me. I felt so upset. He says I have an irrational fear.

That was the argument that my fear was irrational. I think it's pretty lousy to tell someone their fear is stupid. But deep down i know that I shouldn't be afraid of every dog that barks but I am. Because when they start it takes me back to that moment in time.

Sorry for the long post, I needed to let that out.

1 comment:

  1. HUGS. the fear of dogs sounds difficult to work through. Hope your boyfriend is more understanding.

    Love the outfit you put together!

    Tell her she's beautiful is a great site.